As a little girl, I envied Pocahontas because she had a loving spiritual willow tree, Grandmother Willow, that she often confided in during times of trouble.
Grandmother Willow gave her relationship advice (>>which would be nice right about now) when times were difficult with John Smith and even gave a necessary spanking to the selfish English settlers with the snap of her old vines.
But most importantly, Grandmother Willow taught young Pocahontas the beauty of the world around her!
Oh how I wish I had a wise weeping willow in my backyard.
Earlier this week, I stumbled upon some advice from a tree. Although it's no Grandmother Willow, it was just what I needed. Most of my profound experiences have happened in nature, so I found it only appropriate to take advice from this little tree.
Other than people watching, my hobbies are pretty limited. That's why I got a hot yoga pass at
Power Yoga in downtown Salt Lake. That's right. Hot yoga.
Don't judge too quickly. I know what you're thinking. Hot yoga applies only to those morally opposed to meat and traditional gyms.
Not true.
No, I'm not vegan. Yes, I have a gym pass. No, I'm not super limber. No, I do not have a cute tattoo of a butterfly or crescent moon on my ankle or lower back. But I am converted to this therapeutic form of exercise.
I've been several times, and each time I exit the room, I feel cleansed and uplifted. It's rather a neat experience. Two dozen bodies packed in this hole-in-the-wall apartment, releasing stressful, negative energy in return for positive, empowering energy--all the while sweating, profusely.
It's funny, after only an hour of sweating and chanting together, these strangers don't feel like strangers anymore.
After dozens of animal-like poses and stretches, I introduce to you a new woman.
Okay, not really, but it still feels really great.
I love letters. There is something special about writing your feelings and thoughts down for someone else to read and reread, time and time again. Letters have a way of bringing people together, like Noah and Allie in the Notebook, or on a more serious note, bringing light to dark situations as with Anne Frank and her diary, five notebooks and more than 300 hand-written loose pages. Words are powerful and seem to tangiblize love, hope, heartache, and history like nothing else can.
It's more than just the letter part that gets me; it's the power of words of affirmation. Not only do I receive love in this fashion, but I give love this way. Many who know me, may have a note or two from me lying around because I can't seem to more adequately describe my feelings and gratitude for them than through a good 'ole handwritten letter.
On this note, with resolutions resurfacing and the time to self-evaluate, I decided to write myself a letter for once. A letter using the shortcomings and lessons of last year for a better, more promising year ahead. Here I go, tangibilizing my thoughts and goals for the new year.
---
January 5, 2014
Dearest Self,
I'm going to be honest and frank with you because I love you. Obviously this year has been a roller coaster of a year. Situations and feelings you never thought would impede on your path, did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the months of sadness and disappointment. But, you are not your trials, and you're definitely not this depression that has phased you temporarily. What you're missing is that eagerness to laugh way too hard and love way too often that you once possessed as a child. Remember as a child, your curiosity and love for all things imaginative. Those made up commercials and dances in the unfinished basement with your sisters. The time when you and Rachel saw your first baboon at the zoo and spent the remainder of the afternoon rolling in laughter at the creativity of God's creations. Or that easiness to use service as a coping skill for when life goes any which way but you're own. You have missed that. That love for the simple and the easiness to laugh and feel. You are loved, fiercely, by many. And saying that, you have so much to be grateful for. Don't forget. Because happiness and sanity were such a battle this past year, I want you to change a few things for the coming year. I want you to be happy. Try these few (15!) suggestions for a stronger year: #1 Be present. When fear and doubt start to intrude, kick them out. They are not welcome in your life. They take away any happiness or sense of peace you have. As Elder Holland said (speaking of fidelity), "Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our mind. Bet we don't have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! Throw the rascals out!" Fear/doubt/anxiety can be such rascals. #2 Look for the good in others. I know it can be hard to love others when you are struggling to love yourself. So #2a, love yourself, so you can better see the good in others. Just like you, everyone struggles. Take no place in judging or belittling others, for you never completely know the story, their story. #3 Find a new trade. Your Christmas Blanket for Nick this year was endearing but far from well done:). You could start here, sewing, or better yet, cooking is a great skill that will bless you and the lives of those around you for good. *Great news: you are living with your mother, temporarily, maybe she could help you. #4 Daily scripture study. Spiritual health is just as important as physical health. #5 Exercise five times a week. Living at home has been hard, but one pleasant perk is the gym pass you have with your mother. Go to the gym. The endorphins you so regularly felt throughout high school and the first few years of college from running have long disappeared. Get those back. Early mornings mean happier evenings. #6 Volunteer at the local hospital. #7 Clean your room, often. A clean room makes for a better sanctuary. *Besides, there a few things better in this world than sliding into a bed with fresh, clean sheets. #8 Meditate 10 minutes every day (preferably in the morning). #9 Wear more bows, braids, and buns in your hair. Why? It's fun. #10 Act and don't be acted upon. You have a tendency to be indecisive and passive when a decision is on the line. Don't be afraid to take a step in the dark. As Lemony Snicket said: "If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives." #11 Travel to a new place you've never been before. #12 Plant a garden good enough to eat. #13 Start painting, again. You make this resolution every year but have yet to actually do it! This is the year, Chelsea. It brought you so much joy and it's oh so relaxing. Remember that (awful!) semester after you and Tyler broke up. You don't need to think twice about it now, but do recall that one thing that really brightened things up--art! Lots of it. You would spend hours every day painting and sketching and oh how you loved it. #14 Document your life: journal, photography, and blog posts. After that dark moment many months ago, you stopped writing in your journal in attempt to forget this lapse in time. That's silly and ridiculous. Writing is therapeutic. Pain is just as important as happiness. It brings empathy and credibility to those in need. #15 Last, but not least, progress in your romantic relationships. And, need I say, progress on your own time. I'm not saying you must marry by a certain date (because enough people are telling you that:). I'm saying progress. Make goals. Be (consistently) happy. The danger comes with comparison. Avoid comparison like the plague it is...it never made anyone very happy anyway.
A quote you love:
"I'm not the silly romantic you think. I don't want the heavens or shooting stars. I don't want diamonds or gold. I have those things already (but I really don't:)). I want, no need, a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved. That's all."
-Shana Abe Chelsea, you've come so far. I'm very proud of you and I'm excited about the lessons you have learned this year and how it will change your framework for the next. Above all these goals, be kind to yourself. You are doing well and no one can tell you otherwise. Any time you begin to worry about your whereabouts, take a moment to stop. breathe. and look to others. As Gordon B. Hinckley said,
"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make."
Keep your chin up. You are doing better than you think you are!
3. babies. babies. babies. Nick has two darling nieces that we see once in a full moon. However, one weekend we had the opportunity to babysit the little angels while their parents went out for a date night. Although baby Abby screamed for most of the night (because we forgot that she needed a binky, that darn binky), I loved being around such cute little minds and bodies attempting to soak everything up. I especially love watching Nick explain to Kessa, the older of the two, how to build things out of legos. She will be one smart cookie.
4. Zumba. I am taking a Zumba class this semester and no matter what mood I come to class with, I always come out happier. yeah for dancing. yeah for exercise.
5. Learning. Although I am becoming more lax about my schoolwork, I am learning out of curiosity. I am reading to read and not just to fulfill an assignment.
6. Grammar rules. I know this may sound silly, but I assure you it's not. In my MComm 320 class we sit down for three hours a week and go over the basic rules of grammar and writing. I love every second of this class. It feels so good to learn and solidify ways to become a better writer.
7. Watching the news. I don't know if this means I am getting older, more educated or simply boring but it feels good to be educated on current events. Maybe I am in the right major....?
8. The Bachelor. Rachel, Cars, Nick and I dedicate Tuesday nights for dinner and a trashy drama:) But for reals, we alternate each week making dinner for the other couple while willingly (Cars started out as a doubter, but he soon became a believer after one episode) celebrating this reality TV show. It feels good for once to watch drama unfold and not be apart of it:) I know the logic of the show is faulty and the overall plot may be disturbing, but it's hysterical. To be honest I mostly enjoy the company, but all the same, Tuesday is a night I refuse to miss.
9. Skiing. Nick was kind enough to buy me skis--spoiled I am. (But grateful I also am!) So we have made it a goal to go once a week. Although he is much better than I am; I'm learning. I am pleased to inform you (mom) that I went from "pizza" to "french-fries" in one outing. I am still learning perfect carving form; however, I can almost keep up with this boy.
Although I am a senior heading into the Communications major at BYU this year, I have kept a low-profile when it comes to social media. I do much more observing than contributing. However, I feel I need to embrace my communication roots a little and become more involved again.
My sisters and I have vacationed home away from home
this week to Arizona where my Dad is currently abiding temporarily for work.
Due to the long car trips, low-maintenance agenda, and time set aside for
relaxing -- my mind has been racing. My summer work schedule has been one speed: fast.
Therefore, the little things such as good exercise, sleep and time to myself
were the first to slip through the cracks. This past week has been a much
needed break for many of my family members, myself included.
First conclusion: Thinking feels good; meditation is beautiful
and therapeutic. It is essential.
I came across this quote on Pinterest, “women’s pornography”
as my friend denotes it. However, I find many treasures on this beloved website
like fun hair styles to try when I am bored or stunning wedding dresses I can
refer to friends (my day will be someday… but until then, these dress ideas
must not go to waste).
It is golden and summarizes the thoughts that have been
consuming my mind:
“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
-Elizabeth Kubler
Ros
Beautiful people do not just happen. I love this. I look at my family, they have always been stunning and I
definitely know why. When one of us is weakened, the others will pull their
weight to carry them along this journey of life. Whether it is a simple text
message, a phone call or an entertaining distraction-my family is amazing and I know why it
is the central unit of the gospel.
When everything else becomes inconsistent in my life, it is
family that remains constant. I am nothing without them.
The only way I know how to best contribute to my future family, and follow the example of my parents, is to become a beautiful person.
Beautiful people have a sound sense of self. They are happy and content with themselves, despite misfortunate circumstances, insecurities and weaknesses. Love for other people guides their thoughts and actions. Beautiful people don't need to say it, others just know it. I am grateful to be surrounded by beautiful people.
I haven't been at this for awhile, but it is therapeutic to write and therapyis just what I need right about now...
Well that's a lie, I do write, a lot. In fact that is all my day is consumed of, writing. I am currently writing for The Daily Universe. It is enjoyable. I LOVE IT!!! I am meeting lots of new friends. I am improving my writing skills. Looking cool carrying around my camera (well it is actually my mom's, if anything happened to it she demanded my first born-yup its her baby:) and a voice recorder to conduct interviews. I'm enhancing my resume, gaining experience with a student-run newspaper and slowly learning the ins and outs of the often daunting AP style book.
Who would have thought I would write for a newspaper? I sure didn't.
Therapy.
The thing about therapy is that it can be spontaneous, selfish, time consuming, charitable, loud or quiet. It can be as long as a week getaway or as short as opening the scriptures for five minutes. Therapy does NOT need to comply with others' rules or any sort of AP style book. Therefore, I am leaving the AP behind and writing, just to write.
Not only writing, but writing my thoughts.
One thing I have struggled with as a journalist for the campus newspaper is not only the fact but the rule that I cannot have a voice! Complete objectivity is the goal. As a child I was taught to express my thoughts-->what I wanted, needed and believed! All of that is gone with a quick dash of an editor's red marker. I have had to eliminate my voice this semester, and ask my editors-IT DRIVES ME CRAZY (hence why I chose public relations-so I can be as opinionated as I so desire!-in fact I am paid to be opinionated-so there we have it!)
I am convinced there is nothing better than being paid to be an advocate for a company or cause that I am passionate about!!! When I am passionate about something, I don't hide it. I only want to share it! Like my undying desire to dance with Celine Dion's crew for one of her vegas shows or my obsession with wearing horizontal stripes and a mustard yellow cardigan.
However, the subject I am most passionate about, the thing that not only drives me to be a better person but motivates me to live is the gospel of Jesus Christ.I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and I'm proud of it.
I think it is safe to identify something as not only a passion but a firm belief when it is the first thing we look to when something incredible has happened to us and the first source of comfort and strength when we have been rocked to our core. That is how I feel about my relationship with Jesus Christ.
Often, it is during trials when we are reminded of our dependence upon the Lord. Trials are a painful yet efficient way to be reminded of our complete dependence upon Heavenly Father. My favorite scripture of the week is Alma 26:12:
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak;therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things; yea, behold, many mighty miracles we have wrought in this land, for which we will praise his name forever."
It is through this humility that we are healed. I feel the way Ammon does in this chapter, gratitude and appreciation for the Lord.
One of my favorite conference talks at this time in my life is "Lessons from Liberty Jail" by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. It is beautiful and I am reminded many times each day of these beautiful words ringing from this talk. Here is a little taste of the power of Elder Holland's words:
"In one way or another, great or small, dramatic or incidental, every one of us is going to spend a little time in Liberty Jail—spiritually speaking. We will face things we do not want to face for reasons that may not be our fault. Indeed, we may face difficult circumstances for reasons that were absolutely right and proper, reasons that came because we were trying to keep the commandments of the Lord. We may face persecution, we may endure heartache and separation from loved ones, we may be hungry and cold and forlorn. Yes, before our lives are over we may all be given a little taste of what the prophets faced often in their lives......Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry, “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us."
In times of heartache or trial, which they come in our lives one way or another, the thing that brings me the most comfort is knowing we do not have to do it alone.
Happiness is a choice. My mother's counsel has led me to make personal goals of things I want to do to be happy.
A few of my goals:
1. Take 15 minutes a day for myself to meditate (Hakuna Matata style)
2. Paint again.
3. Learn how to cook
(because my most often made meals include salad or pasta)
4. Become a better writer (in the process...a lifelong process)
5. Study the Book of Mormon
6. Open my heart
(vulnerability, though it comes at a price, is worth it)
7. Meet a new friend everyday
8. Exercise daily (endorphins, they'll save you)
9. Find joy through the little things in life (i.e. reading a book, going for a walk, enjoying the sunshine, painting nails a wild, vibrant color).
10. Never settle
11.Be a better sister/daughter to the wonderful angels I call family.
12. Find myself.
Because music speaks to my soul. Kelly has been singing my ear off this week because I absolutely LOVE this song. Thank you to my darling sister who told me to listen to this song:
I cannot believe I have been home for more than a month. Time seems to be escaping my grasp. Though I try to embrace each day with passion and love, in all honestly it has been quite difficult. I have struggled readjusting back into my home life. Coming from a dream life encompassing traveling, exotic foods, independence, and a social life 24 hours of every day back to the reality of working full-time, eating a healthy diet, exercising regularly, as well as attempting to jump back into the dating pool (daunting) has left me with the common feelings of inadequacy and exhaustion.
Silly I know.
After returning home from a trip of a life-time (LiTeRaLly) how could I feel anything less than bliss?
I have found many excuses along the way such as:
Jet Lag (A good excuse for everything).
The Equal and Opposite Effect (so purely described in Brother Bott's book "Preparation Precedes Power").
Drastic lifestyle change in diet, exercise, sleep pattern, daily routine, relationships...the list goes on.
Boys ( A category of their own).
However, as fitting and justified as these excuses may sound, none of them accurately cure or explain this deep Jerusalem post-depression I have been feeling.
It boils down to a simple term, happiness.
I have realized lately how much I base my happiness on other people. Silly as it may sound, it is true. It could be something as simple as receiving a phone call from a beloved friend to receiving acceptance from a coworker. I am very much a people oriented person (not to mention people pleaser). This can be a good quality, though at other times (such as these past few weeks) it can be a trial.
Slowly, I have realized how destructive this dependency upon others can be. Instead of dwelling on the "what ifs" and the "should've, could'ves" in life, it is more important to fully and whole-heartedly appreciate the present moments. I want to wake up each morning and truly live each day to the best of my ability. I want to embrace the 5:45AM alarm reminding me to start my day by working out at the gym. I want to find the humor in my inability to kill the large Tarantula climbing all over my clothes I allowed to pile up over the past few days on my bedroom floor. I want to gain a better relationship with my growing sisters (whom every morning seem to grow a few inches taller and a few ages wiser). I want to gain more patience for my dog/horse who decides to make a chew toy out of my favorite pair of white Vans. I sincerely want to live in the moment.
So in desperate hope to gain as much experience from of this precious time I have with my family I resorted to making a few personal goals of my own.
Namely to forget myself, think of others, and find PASSION!
After all, it is in these moments in my life when I learn the most about myself. I learn what I like. Who I want to be. My current passions. My style (would I really layer denim on denim-you betcha). Most effective coping method. My favorite song. The list goes on...
The interesting part about life is that we are continually learning about ourselves. Through different relationships, trials (grieving periods), educational experiences, and choices we are constantly be shaped and transformed into something new, for better or worse we decide but we are always learning about ourselves.
Lately I have gained a few new passions of which I am particularly fond of.
One. Books on tape.
Beautiful way not only to be enlightened but also to pass the time away doing production work in the warehouse.
Two. My Fireplace.
It is the first place I go when I wake up and usually the last place I remember laying myself down before I end up crawling in bed.
Three. ROLLERBLADING.
Rach, Eliza. Koda and I went on Legacy trail yesterday. Not only is it the best gluteus workout EVER but it is a great time spent bonding.
Moral of the story:
"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music." Angela Monet
