dear chelsea,

I love letters. There is something special about writing your feelings and thoughts down for someone else to read and reread, time and time again. Letters have a way of bringing people together, like Noah and Allie in the Notebook, or on a more serious note, bringing light to dark situations as with Anne Frank and her diary, five notebooks and more than 300 hand-written loose pages. Words are powerful and seem to tangiblize love, hope, heartache, and history like nothing else can.

It's more than just the letter part that gets me; it's the power of words of affirmation. Not only do I receive love in this fashion, but I give love this way. Many who know me, may have a note or two from me lying around because I can't seem to more adequately describe my feelings and gratitude for them than through a good 'ole handwritten letter.

On this note, with resolutions resurfacing and the time to self-evaluate, I decided to write myself a letter for once. A letter using the shortcomings and lessons of last year for a better, more promising year ahead. Here I go, tangibilizing my thoughts and goals for the new year.

---

January 5, 2014

Dearest Self,

I'm going to be honest and frank with you because I love you. Obviously this year has been a roller coaster of a year. Situations and feelings you never thought would impede on your path, did. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about the months of sadness and disappointment. But, you are not your trials, and you're definitely not this depression that has phased you temporarily. 

What you're missing is that eagerness to laugh way too hard and love way too often that you once possessed as a child. Remember as a child, your curiosity and love for all things imaginative. Those made up commercials and dances in the unfinished basement with your sisters. The time when you and Rachel saw your first baboon at the zoo and spent the remainder of the afternoon rolling in laughter at the creativity of God's creations. Or that easiness to use service as a coping skill for when life goes any which way but you're own.  You have missed that. That love for the simple and the easiness to laugh and feel. 

You are loved, fiercely, by many. And saying that, you have so much to be grateful for. Don't forget.

Because happiness and sanity were such a battle this past year, I want you to change a few things for the coming year. I want you to be happy.

Try these few (15!) suggestions for a stronger year:

#1 Be present. When fear and doubt start to intrude, kick them out. They are not welcome in your life. They take away any happiness or sense of peace you have. As Elder Holland said (speaking of fidelity), "Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our mind. Bet we don't have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! Throw the rascals out!" Fear/doubt/anxiety can be such rascals. 

#2 Look for the good in others. I know it can be hard to love others when you are struggling to love yourself. So #2a, love yourself, so you can better see the good in others. Just like you, everyone struggles. Take no place in judging or belittling others, for you never completely know the story, their story. 

#3 Find a new trade. Your Christmas Blanket for Nick this year was endearing but far from well done:). You could start here, sewing, or better yet, cooking is a great skill that will bless you and the lives of those around you for good. 
        *Great news: you are living with your mother, temporarily, maybe she could help you.

#4 Daily scripture study. Spiritual health is just as important as physical health. 

#5 Exercise five times a week. Living at home has been hard, but one pleasant perk is the gym pass you have with your mother. Go to the gym. The endorphins you so regularly felt throughout high school and the first few years of college from running have long disappeared. Get those back. Early mornings mean happier evenings. 

#6 Volunteer at the local hospital. 

#7 Clean your room, often. A clean room makes for a better sanctuary. 
    *Besides, there a few things better in this world than sliding into a bed with fresh, clean sheets.

#8 Meditate 10 minutes every day (preferably in the morning). 

#9 Wear more bows, braids, and buns in your hair. Why? It's fun.

#10 Act and don't be acted upon. You have a tendency to be indecisive and passive when a decision is on the line. Don't be afraid to take a step in the dark. As Lemony Snicket said:
            "If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting the rest of our lives."

#11 Travel to a new place you've never been before. 

#12 Plant a garden good enough to eat.

#13 Start painting, again. You make this resolution every year but have yet to actually do it! This is the year, Chelsea. It brought you so much joy and it's oh so relaxing. Remember that (awful!) semester after you and Tyler broke up. You don't need to think twice about it now, but do recall that one thing that really brightened things up--art! Lots of it. You would spend hours every day painting and sketching and oh how you loved it. 

#14 Document your life: journal, photography, and blog posts. After that dark moment many months ago, you stopped writing in your journal in attempt to forget this lapse in time. That's silly and ridiculous. Writing is therapeutic. Pain is just as important as happiness. It brings empathy and credibility to those in need. 

#15 Last, but not least, progress in your romantic relationships. And, need I say, progress on your own time. I'm not saying you must marry by a certain date (because enough people are telling you that:). I'm saying progress. Make goals. Be (consistently) happy. The danger comes with comparison. Avoid comparison like the plague it is...it never made anyone very happy anyway.

A quote you love:

 "I'm not the silly romantic you think. I don't want the heavens or shooting stars. I don't want diamonds or gold. I have those things already (but I really don't:)). I want, no need, a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved. That's all."

                                                                                                                           -Shana Abe

Chelsea, you've come so far. I'm very proud of you and I'm excited about the lessons you have learned this year and how it will change your framework for the next. Above all these goals, be kind to yourself. You are doing well and no one can tell you otherwise. Any time you begin to worry about your whereabouts, take a moment to stop. breathe. and look to others. 

As Gordon B. Hinckley said,

"You will come to know that what appears today to be a sacrifice will prove instead to be the greatest investment that you will ever make." 

Keep your chin up. You are doing better than you think you are! 

Here's to a better, more eventful year ahead.

Sincerely,

Your dearest friend

Cheers, friends, to a brighter year! 

Freckles

Something inside of me hurts with sadness at the evil nature of comparison. Maybe it’s because, as a twin, I am hardwired to always be in a state of comparison. Maybe it’s because I am a female. Maybe it’s because I see the damage and the hurt that comes to the compared victims. Or maybe, just maybe, I can feel the hardness in my soul when I feel I am comparing myself with others and falling short.

As I am in a state that is less than envious: a graduate with no job--not one cent to my name--living with my parents who are living with their parents, I am finding myself becoming the perpetrator of comparison. I cannot help but feel a deep sadness when I begin this downward cycle of thinking lesser of my state in life.

So, I have been consciously working on looking at my state as an opportunity for blessings and good things to come, rather than a state that I never hoped to be living.

Comparison can be as simple as a look of discouragment when leaving the mirror to face the rest of the world or rehearsed thoughts internalized deep within our souls:

“My life isn’t exciting enough to post online.”

“I bet XXX wouldn’t think, say, or do these things.”

“I’m unhappy because I’m not good enough.”

“I’m not XXX, and I never will be XXX.”

 “I can’t handle my own issues, how am I capable to help others?”

Something I learned a long time ago about comparison: Never has putting another down ever made me happy. Never. 

One small instance:

When I was seven years old...

I met this girl named Libby. Libby was so fun and cute and had the most darling freckles. I thought, if only I could have freckles, I would be fun and cute. I prayed for freckles. With little success, I got so desperate that I finally went into my mother’s makeup bag and grabbed her eyeliner and drew little dots all over my face. 

Of course, I was disappointed with the final outcome; but I learned something from this silly, childish experience. I don’t need freckles to be beautiful.  I love my face. And rather than stating that people without freckles are beautiful, I believe I am beautiful and I make sure to compliment those who do have freckles—because more often than not, they dislike their freckles. Oh that darn curse of the “grass is greener syndrome.”

>>>So rather than dwelling on my lack of freckles or any other arbitrary worry, I always feel better when I recite positive affirmations in replace of the negative, belittling thoughts that are so natural and quick to attack:

I love my body. I love my thin, blonde hair. I love my small, flat chest. 

We are human. Whether we vocalize our insecurities or not, we all have them. Let’s love ourselves and others enough to build each other up and take away the criticism. 

Natasha says it best.

To wrap up, my mother gives the mother analogy in regard to this idea of self-worth. When we are little and fall down or get hurt, we have a mother, a father, or a teacher to pick us up and brush us off. We have a parent figure to help us when we are bullied at school, when we don’t do well on a test, or when we don’t make office. We have someone to tell us we are great and wonderful. However, when we age, we often lose that strong, positive voice. We grow up. We move out. We start our own careers, families, hobbies, etc. 

I have yet to meet an adult not susceptible to pain, insecurity, and weakness. So instead of losing that positive voice, we need to become that voice. We need to build ourselves up; because as we are in this debate over beauty and success, there are many voices tearing us down. We need that motherly instinct inside ourselves to say, “Shh, I’m alright. I’m beautiful. I am loved. I have a family that cares for me. I have the drive to do well in life.” Or whatever it may be that we are struggling with.

Let’s not lose site of our inner child. 

Oprah's words of wisdom:

Reverend Jackson's words have helped me over many a hurdle, even when less than my best was evident. To this day, excellence is my intention. To be excellent in giving. In graciousness. In effort. In struggle and in strife. For me being excellent means always doing my personal best. In Don Miguel Ruiz's book "The Four Agreements," the final agreement is just that: Always do your best. I know for sure that this is the most fulfilling path to personal freedom. Your best varies from day to day, Ruiz says, depending on how you're feeling. No matter. Give your best in every circumstance so that you have no reason to judge yourself and create guilt and shame. Live so that at the end of each day, you can say, "I did my very best." That's what it means to excel at the great game of life. 

Note to self: Next time I attempt to measure my successes with another's, take a step back, acknowledge my blessings and gifts and make sure to radiate positivity. Everyone needs an encouraging word once in awhile, whether we realize it or not. I choose to live with grace and dignity. 

Something Scary

I did something scary this weekend.

A conversation that happens weekly:

Nick: (thinking about mountain biking, his bike, mountain trails) Ah, I love biking. Chelsea, will you go biking with me this week?

Chelsea: Ugh, sorry I can't (hurry, think of an excuse), I need to do accounting homework (or another arbitrary excuse).

Nick: Okay, but you have to come with me this summer.

Chelsea: Yeah, yeah I will (quickly brush aside the conversation without any intention of bringing it up again).

-->This has been an ongoing battle.

Finally, after abusing all my excuses, we drove up to Mueller Park Canyon (supposedly an easy trail) to bike up to the notorious Elephant Rock.

Preface: I attempted to hike Elephant Rock six years ago, which unfortunately turned into a six-hour survival hike that left us itchy, bleeding (literally), and exhausted--never to venture again. Little did I know, six years from then I would be conquering one of my biggest fears in tears and sweat.

I am terrified of wheels on gravel. Although fears are not logical, this fear is! I have flipped, tipped, and flopped every machine I was told "wouldn't do anything of the sort." Needless to say, I don't trust anyone when my life is sitting on a set of wheels.

Second preface: Nicholas is a really, really good biker. He has invested hours fixing his bike and discovering trails that give him the biggest adrenaline rush. He definitely is a boy (or man) in every aspect of the word regarding biking.

Luckily, Nick's mother let me borrow her mountain bike so my little hybrid wouldn't slip everywhere.

Then off we went at the crack of noon (hot!).

The actual workout was wonderful. My heart was beating and I was sweating; I like sweating. However, the actual process of going over little and big rocks and around tight corners and over skinny bridges and underneath hanging trees was difficult for me. I literally let out a sigh of relief after every corner, grateful I wasn't yet dead.

The continual looks of encouragement and are-you-sure-you-know-what-you're-doing faces from descending hikers left me feeling even more self-conscious than I already was.

It was an hour of uphill pedaling. Needless to say I was going slow--in fact a runner passed me and finished down the mountain before Nick and I did-->that should put things into perspective. My heart was racing more out of fear than it was from exhaustion. I often hopped off my bike, tearing my favorite pants in the process, to walk around the deadly corners covered by ticking time bombs waiting to kill me at any moment--okay, they were rocks, but to me they might as well have been poisonous snakes for all I cared.

After what seemed an eternity of me escaping near death experiences at every bend, I finally asked Nick how far this Elephant Rock was...He pointed across two mountain peaks and said it's over there.

What!?! HALF WAY!?!

I bit my lip to keep from crying. I started pedaling again, wobbling and staggering around the next corner. Then it came, tears. My eyes swelled up with tears, my lungs now in a shortage of breath. I didn't want Nick to notice, so I fell even further behind, trying to wipe my eyes on my sleeve without crashing into the trees hugging the path on either side.

Nick knows me well. He stopped just ahead of a bend and waited for me. He wanted to turn around because he could see how miserable I was. No sir. I refuse. I bit my lip to keep my eyes from watering and to mask any kind of discomfort (though it was far from discrete) I was in at the time. I wanted to prove that I could bike with him. After he realized he was not going to win the battle, we continued onward.

We made it to the top, in one piece, fortunately. We sat on top of THE Elephant Rock to let my heart calm down. He apologized for dragging me up there, though there was definitely no need for an apology. I want to be interested in things he is interested in--even if that means manning up to my fears.

On the way down, I started to feel more comfortable. I finally let myself relax a little and go over the "poisons snakes" with ease--and come to find out--it was kinda fun. I started to enjoy the wind in my hair and the beauty of the mountain. I saw the look of pleasure on Nick's and all the other bikers' faces. To them, this was flow (or a hobby that brings utter happiness). Though I envied every runner on the trail, I wanted to be in Nick's world for a moment and I discovered that I  just might like it...in the future.

Yeah for adventure! Yeah for facing fears!

^^^proof that I made it to the top (or so it appears)

Babies

I am back in Utah, as of a few weeks ago. I apologize for not updating my status; I have been living in my head the past few weeks, literally.

Blogging is hard to do when my heart feels heavy and thoughts are on pressing issues; however, I have been learning how to endure things well. I know I can do anything, but doing it well--now that is the hard part. Getting to point B from point A with hope in my heart, intentions to do good, and bravery to continue onward--now we are talking. 

The more I learn about sorrow and depression, the more I see and appreciate the simplicities of life. It is a twisted, interesting concept that may only make sense in my little mind, but I am relearning the value of choosing to be happy. 

i.e. I was feeling heavy and a little discouraged (...a mixture of accounting hw/projects/tests, matters of the heart, feelings of desperation while living as a nomad for a few months just trying to be happy). I was walking back home from an early morning meeting on campus, when I prayed in my heart to feel peace or comfort or anything good for that matter. And that's when I saw it. The most beautiful, pure sight I so desperately needed to see. I felt myself smiling, the smile that comes from deep within your soul. It is a smile I have been longing for, for quite some time. It was a father sitting on a picnic blanket on the grass outside the testing center blowing bubbles at his baby boy. This toddler was reaching for the bubbles near his face with an expression of pure joy. The baby was giggling and looking at his dad with pure admonition and wonderment, like how could such a fun, magical thing come from that little bottle in your hand.

---> It was then that I realized, think like a child. Children are easy to forgive, full of curiosity and love. They want to enjoy every moment, even if there is no apparent reason to feel joy. They give themselves permission to be happy every day. They believe the good things people say to them. They want to share their love and excitement with others. It is no wonder Christ talks so sacredly about the hearts of little children. 

Think how easy it is to become jaded and judgmental. To be angry at yourself. To be "realistic" and "educated" though it means diminishing your dreams and aspirations. To clam up and avoid communicating with loved ones.

So to bring out the inner child in all of us, I'd like to share a few gems I discovered over the weeks. I hope it makes you laugh as much as it made me laugh/smile.

1. One of the many things I am obsessed with right now is The Bachelorette. Maybe it's the thrill of seeing drama happen to other people--outside of my personal life--that is relieving or maybe it's just the shock that people would put themselves through such an experience. But after seeing Jimmy Kimmel's rendition, I'm sticking with the babies on this one. Needless to say, I watched ALL five episodes. 

2. Baby pictures all over Facebook and Instagram. The best part about having married friends is all the baby pictures that are sneaking onto social media. I never get bombarded by baby pictures---> babies are simply too perfect to stop obsessing over. 

Twin babies are the cutest:)

3.  Mr. Old St. Nicholas Homer (Aka, Santa!) Since I don't have any babies of my own (or even near me), I manage to entertain myself. I couldn't resist:)

Spoiled.

Dearest Nicholas,

Thank you for spoiling me this weekend by making a quick visit to the Big Apple. Your presence was definitely needed. After a long red eye flight, I'm sure your little eyes were exhausted (planes just aren't suitable for a 6'3 body) upon your arrival here. Nevertheless, you carried onward to enjoy the precious few moments you had with me. We kicked off the weekend by eating breakfast at one of your favorite TV shows, Seinfeld's stomping grounds, Tom's Restaurant. 

Although it was overcast and wet most of the weekend, the rain didn't put a damper on our plans. On our way to venture Times Square, a place neither of us particularly enjoy, we decided to get our faces drawn...worst.decision.ever. Lucky to our *my bargaining skills, we weren't scammed too poorly. Unfortunately, we walked away with a seductive looking me posing alongside a stranger with big muscles. Although, the resemblance is far from close, we have another memory to add to the list. 

The best part of Times Square is Broadway. Before fleeing from the rain we saw The Last Five Years, a play that I wanted to see about a twisted romance with an incredibly creative delivery. I hope it didn't bore you too much with all that raw, emotional drama -- I know you get plenty of that from me. 

After a quick nap and an excuse to escape the rain for a moment, you did the unspeakable--Wicked tickets! The only play I came here hoping to see. I know the tickets weren't cheap, but the experience was priceless. I gasped almost every scene by the set and how the plot came together. It was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Thank you for saving me many disappointing nights at the Wicked lottery. I owe you one. 

On Sunday, we went to my work at the church office building for Regional Conference. It was nice to have a your familiar face at church again. On our way home, you had the idea of exploring my neighbor's house, the Catholic Cathedral. Like wet dogs, we entered the doors, and to our delight, found that we were actually welcome into its premises.  We, like children, decided to venture to the highest floor we could--floor 20. It was nice to get a different view of the city that is slowly becoming familiar to me.

After a few hours drying off from the rain (I apologize again for how unfortunate it was to have a downpour on two of the most precious days of the week--weekends), we ventured out into the city. I wanted to show you my favorite part of the city, Central Park. We shared my small umbrella as we wandered through the park. Eventually we botched the umbrella because the damage was far too severe for any salvaging to be done. We then treated ourselves to the yummiest shakes and the best burgers in town...hmm, Shake Shack is delicious.

To conclude the weekend, we ventured the ferry to see the Hudson lights. We saw the Statue of Liberty, Brooklyn Bridge, a couple's engagement, and other various sites our entitled tour guide felt to accentuate during our journey over the water. 

Oh how it is nice having you in the city. 

Though all of our adventures were wonderful, my favorite part of your stay here was Monday afternoon in Central Park. We rented a boat and went out to the middle of the lake. Thank you, again, for pleasing me by gently rowing us over to the side of the lake at the site of basking turtles. Lucky for us, the sun decided to show itself so we and all the wildlife could thoroughly enjoy the afternoon without running indoors for cover. Oh the day was nice. We kicked our feet back and slowly crept along the water shore enjoying each other immensely.  It was so refreshing to have a safe haven, a place away from the world with little distraction--just you, me and the boat.  

To please my growling belly and to prevent a potentially grumpy Chelsea, you bought us warm waffles from one of the Waffles and Dinges stands near the outskirts of the park. It started to get dark, so after a quick people-watching downtime and catnap on the grass, we headed home. 

It has been one of the most pleasant weekends since I have been here. The hardest part is saying goodbye to a familiar face--your familiar face--for a time being, to be left in an unfamiliar city. 

I do enjoy our time together Mr. Nicholas. My bosses were pleased with you and talk about you often since your departure. Thank you for spending your weekend with me.

Five weeks. 

Love always,

Chels

xoxo

breakfast at Tom's.

 

*I hope that's not what we look like...by the number of people smiling walking by, we knew it was going to be a treat.

Wicked

Hudson Lights Ferry Tour

Ms. Liberty

   ^^our rainy selves^^

the lake. 

Nick rowing

^^the turtle club^^

on my lunch break

his farewell gift. kindness.

*gratitude

I'm feeling blessed today...

I had a great conversation with my mother on the phone last night.

A special visitor came to play with me this weekend**stay tuned.

I am enjoying my internship very much; I love my bosses, all five of them:).

I found a free fridge in the hallway. Needless to say, I got groceries for the first time. 

I saw Wicked, the one Broadway show I have been DYING to see.

The humidity is clearing up my acne. 

I just bought bus tickets to D.C. for Memorial weekend. 

The sun has made a few appearances the past few days--NYC is a different place in the sunshine.

Lastly, I discovered this beautiful running trail (^^featured above) lining the Hudson River. 

Boy, it's beautiful. 

Missing Home

Lately, home has become a little more dear to me. When everything familiar is stripped away, it's hard not to reminisce on all the good times that have collectively contributed in some way to who I am today.

...because sometimes I wake up and wish I were a child again.
I miss waking up to an open schedule and a mind to preoccupy me for hours. I miss spending an entire afternoon in our unfinished basement with my lovely accomplices {Jackson Girls} filming commercials, choreographing dances, and rollerskating around the staircase until our ankles turned red. I miss naming my crushes after candy bars in attempt to keep my love life a secret. I miss the moment I saw my first baboon -- Rach and I rolled on the floor laughing for hours about God's sense of humor with that animal. I miss decorating valentines' boxes for my elementary classrooms. I miss cuddling with my family in my parents' bed late at night.
It's wonderful to see my friends and family members progress and accomplish their aspired dreams and goals; however, at the same time, it makes me sad that we can't all remain in a static state of play. That static state where we always have each other near. I miss that.

Naturally, to reminisce, I turn to pictures. Pictures have a beautiful way of expressing moments, more so than words.

I miss...

...tadpoling in the summer.

...hometown parades.



...the many adventures schemed by my mother.

...Adams Canyon celebratory dances.

...the waterfall.

...family in Arizona--oh Gramma J and the clan.

...our many Salt Lake Endeavors. {cemeteries}

...painting G.G.'s nails while watching The Great Race.



...concerts and that one time Liza was smaller than me.

...fishing. Who said girls aren't tough? Estrogen power!!



...family vacas.

...my dad, for handling all of us and for teaching us how to be tough.

...my family.

 
...supporting my sisters in school events. ^^^Hannie as Bell.

...Sunday curlers.



...my sweet, sweet friends.



Oh, how I miss you girls...{+Ash}

...track.
Need I say more?

...late nights with the girls...Alice--always the night owl (This picture is us in a nutshell).

 ...Rach.



...college pranks. Boy, do we know how to get 'em.



...marrying that one man...named Brigham.

...being weird and Elise.

..temple trips.


...getting lost in Zion National Park--it was worth the pic.

...receiving missionary letters...oh missionary letters:)


...that one time when we killed everyone.


...fishing in style.


..well kind of.


...girls, Jeru, Beyonce...

 
...these fine folks who never cease to make me laugh.



Thank you my friends and family for reminding why life is so grand.

*cheers to the future, may it be as bright as the past.