I know this may be cheesy. My credentials are definitely not equipped to handle such a topic as this but I want to tell you, or myself, just what I have learned over the years regarding love.
I am ashamed to admit that in the past I have been a little skeptical of this concept known as dating. As a young girl I was trained to be a "heartbreaker" and the kind of girl that "let boys work for her heart." I must admit, that mindset is great in high school, but in college it's a no go. It is a terrible, no good, very bad way to approach love, dating and any kind of courtship for that matter.
Of course, the chase is essential. It's good to "play hard to get" a little, but when there is a wonderful boy chasing your heart, let him in. Let him love you. My concept of love has definitely evolved over the years. After more heartbreaks than I choose to share, lots of patient boyfriends and nights of endless praying my heart has been changed and I am becoming who my Heavenly Father wants me to be.
One of my dear friends, who will remain anonymous at this time, once told me, "Chelsea, you will be the most amazing wife, but you are a terrible girlfriend."
After the defensive comments and insincere apologies from him, I really decided to dig deeper into that comment. What made him say that? I am a descent person. I treat people well. I try to do what is right but there is one thing I do lack and that is confidence in my decisions. I am only telling you my weaknesses because there may be a slight chance someone else can benefit, learn, and possibly prevent making some of the silly mistakes I have made.
Here is a list I have compiled illustrating some of the most important lessons I have learned during my college years:
1. Don't let fear and insecurities sabotage your relationship. Whether you are trying to rekindle something that once was or trying to start something new with someone, fear destroys all sense of confidence. Don't be scared to love. Don't be scared to be loved. Love involves risk, everyone knows that. If it doesn't work out the first, second, eighth time-don't let fear hinder you from taking a step in the dark and trying again with someone else.
2. Listen to your heart. This may sound cliche, it is not. Stop thinking and over-analyzing everything and just live. My wise mother always tells me when I leave her presence, "Make wise decisions (pointing to her heart). Listen to that little voice inside yourself." Amidst the shambles of our roommates' opinions, family members' preferences and random pieces of advice from strangers, don't forget the most important voice of all, your own.
3. Actions speak (much) louder than words. When you are in a relationship you feel is healthy and one that you want to cultivate, make sure to show that love. Remember, when school intensifies, work becomes more demanding and time is limited (it always does)--it is the relationships we cultivate that matter most. School, work, service opportunities and church callings will always be demanding time and attention; however, relationships will not always last if they are not nurtured. Don't let the silly things affect the most important things--->relationships with others.
4. Learn to laugh. My dad sat me down in the midst of one of my heartbreaks. He looked at me and said "Chels, life is hard enough, find someone who can make you laugh." That is perhaps one of the most influential pieces of advice I have received. Find someone who can make you laugh and will laugh with you.
5. Become your best self. You cannot expect to have someone offer something to the relationship that you yourself cannot/will not give. A relationship must be interdependent to be healthy. Of course there are circumstances where one party gives more than the other, but selfless is the name of the game. This follows the same principle of becoming your very best self. I do not think it is fair to search for specific qualities in a significant other without trying to possess those as well.
6. Keep it simple. No games. Telepathy is not a quality many possess, so quit looking for it. Communication is key. It will start and save a relationship.
7. Love yourself. Anyone worth keeping around will love you for who you are. One of my favorite movies is Runaway Bride. I love it. My favorite part of the movie is her self-discovery. As you note, with each suitor, her preferences for eggs changed. Her preferences changed to match the person she was dating. However, it wasn't until after she discovered herself and knew which type of eggs she preferred that she was ready and comfortable to be in a relationship with a man she loved--Ike. How do you like your eggs? In essence, do you know yourself and the bigger question, do you love and accept yourself? I have asked myself plenty of times, how can I expect someone else to love me if I can't love myself?
8. Hearts can change, people can change. Heartbreak is part of dating. As my boss at work says, "It never works until it works." Simple, but true. Pain is part of dating. That is the risk of dating. Marriage and love are definitely worth that risk, but it may be difficult to remember in the midst of trial. As in the movie, A Cinderella Story, "Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game." Tis true.
9.Being single is ok. I know, especially in Provo, that being single can often have negative connotations or feelings of inferiority. Let me tell you something, nothing could be further from the truth. Marriage is wonderful and the best aspiration we can have. However, naturally, it does not happen to everyone between their freshman and sophomore year in college. Forget the timeline (seriously!) and learn to live on Heavenly Father's timeline. It is amazing what we can become when we do.
10. God is real. Perhaps the most important thing I have learned these past few years is the reality of Heavenly Father in my life. With each heartbreak and self-discovery I have rediscovered the power of the Atonement. Any pain, insecurity and loss can be comforted and healed through Christ's atoning sacrifice. Both Christ and Heavenly Father care about us personally. They care about our future. They know our worries and pains. There is a plan. Heavenly Father knows what we need and when we need it. Trust Him.
I am now 21, enduring my senior year in college. I am single and I am happy. This was definitely not my timeline, but it is so much better than anything I could have anticipated.
Love to me makes no sense. It is irrational, beautiful and inspiring. Love is not forced. Love is a verb and therefore requires action to grow. It is hard work. Love knows no bounds, yet if opted, it can be lost. I still believe in fairytales and finding my prince charming. I have my silly, childhood fantasies of what I esteem marriage to be, and I hope they never get tainted or destroyed with trials and skepticism.
Love to me is this song.
