Recently, I've engaged in conversations with friends and co-workers about dating. Well, actually, that's about the only thing that I find myself talking about--not by choice. In fact, I'd rather be talking about glue factories than dating. (Do people talk about glue factories?)
Maybe it's because I don't really feel like pouring out the complexities of my heart to the nearest stranger asking what they esteem as a simple question, but in reality, is anything but simple. Or maybe it's because I'm a down-right terrible dater (truth!). Or maybe, just maybe it's because dating sucks! That's right, I said it! Dating is terrible.
I don't care what the inspirational Pinterest boards say, dating is stressful, emotional, confusing, uncertain, high than low. ugh. Can you tell I'm jaded? :)
I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer; but I do want to say, just because it's terrible, doesn't mean you're doing it wrong. Just because you've gone on 13 first dates and nothing to show, doesn't mean you have a personality disorder that people haven't yet informed you about. Or maybe you haven't even been on a date in a while. Doesn't matter. What I'm saying is your dating track record isn't a reflection of you or your worth. Or at least I hope not.
Because after XYZ number of dates which I choose not to share, I still have yet to show anything for all of my hard work, emotional meltdowns, hours of homemade holiday gifts, pointless DTR's, long, confusing "explain-yourself walks" around the all-too familiar block, and of course the car breakups.
Geez.
I can't tell you how many times I have walked around Kiwanis park trying to explain my heart to another boy that will yet leave my life a few months later. It's ridiculous.
So to make myself feel better and to all my friends who may be struggling in this wretched state of dating, humor me with this list:
Reasons why dating just really sucks:
1) Mind Games: It's ridiculous the number of games people come up with. I mean strategy games can be hard enough! But when you don't know when the game starts or what game you're even playing, you're on your way for a sure failure. (I have definitely had those moments when I was playing Jenga while my pursuer was calling shots in Battleship. awkward. yeah, it just didn't work. )
For example, I'm sure we're all familiar with the "play-hard-to-get" game. Yes, this game has it's benefits, that is of course if you're not playing too hard. We all know that person (I used to be one of them) the play-the-impossible, shut-the-gate, lock-the-door, hide-your-key hard. no bueno.) With that said, a little push and shove is natural in the dating scene. But all I'm saying is sometimes the push-and-shove style can get out of hand, leaving people bruised and beaten, lying naked on the floor (Natalie Imbruglia reference, anyone?).
2) No matter what you're doing, it's wrong.
You date a few weeks/months and decide to get married, you're labeled as young and naive with "a lot to learn after your wedding day." Or like me, you date for quite some time and people start diagnosing you with obscure titles like "untouchable," "commitment freak," "good wife, bad girlfriend," or my personal favorite "cesspool." (Yes, my mother did compare my boyfriend and I to a cesspool, only getting "stinkier" with time. In her defense, she was making a valid point:))
oh the joys of dating.
3) My least favorite part about dating is hurting people's feelings. It's amazing there aren't more people admitted into the hospitals with a "broken heart." I mean, for the number of people with various dating styles, different motives, and unique struggles, I'm surprised more damage hasn't been done in the world. (Though, it is a point to say how strong and capable the body and mind truly are. Really. It's a beautiful process to heal and progress. If you don't believe me, try it sometime.) But it makes me so devastatingly sad(!!!) to think about all the heartache I have caused these wonderful boys I have met while dating. It's just not fair.
Which brings me to my next point, friends!
4) I can't tell you how many times I've wanted to call up an ex-boyfriend and invite him to do something or tell him about a funny experience I had because I knew he would appreciate it, but stopped. Why? Boys (I guess I should call them men? Nah, too weird.) only want one thing. And yes, my mother told me--they want a wife. They want someone they can spend their life with--not a crazy friend that happens to be a girl that could appear as a "threat" to their current girlfriend. Which brings me to the point, more breakups mean less friends:)
(5) Deja Vu! The one thing I'm sure my married friends don't miss about dating is the small talk. How many times have we answered these questions on a date, "Where are you from?" "What's your major?" "How many kids do you want?" Blah, blah, blah. It's become an interest of mine to really skip over these surface level questions and get to the good stuff about dreams, aspirations, hidden talents, secrets. (We all love secrets!) People are so interesting, that you might as well take a potentially terrible, slow date and turn it into a positive experience of learning and inspiration. People have a lot to give, and that is one thing I have learned from dating.
(6) Breakups. Nothing about breakups are enjoyable. (Unless it was an abusive or harmful relationship, and in that case it should be a moment of celebration.) But, generally speaking, breakups are difficult. Self-images are harmed. People get angry. Weeks are wasted with the useless past time of "trying" to avoid nostalgic songs and meaningful places, yet you seem to hear and stumble upon them anyway. Or how about those crazy heart attacks when you run into a person that shares your ex's coloring. Seriously though, all that heart racing turns into a workout, which is probably a good thing with all those extra calories you're consuming and justifying quite nicely. Or what about the emergency backup plan when you do happen to cross paths. Look down and distracted. Pretend you're on the phone. Strike up a conversation with the stranger next to you, and make it look like you're having the time of your life! Okay, now I'm just being dramatic. But seriously, healing takes time.
Don't get me wrong. I like boys. I like relationships. And I like meeting new people.
In fact, some of my fondest memories have been on dates with people I thoroughly enjoy. And although I roll my eyes occasionally, I must say, I have learned more about myself, my testimony, and my potential through dating than I have from anything else.
I guess this post was sparked from all of the unsolicited dating advice I have been receiving lately. I wrote this post for me and anyone else in my boat--where life is hard and dating is anything but easy.
Woah, woah, woah. I know many of you may be wondering what's going on. Aren't you currently dating someone? Yes, yes I am. And you're still stating how awful dating is? Why, by golly, I am!
Nick and I will be the first to say, publicly, that dating hasn't been easy for us. However, it is in these difficult moments of frustration and disappointment where growth and development begin to happen and change us. In all honesty, I often feel my heart is being held together by flimsy band-aids that I pray will keep the pieces of my heart together from relationship mishaps in the past. However, despite this difficulty, I know my heart is growing. I can feel it.
I'm growing to be less selfish. I'm growing to learn more about the needs and cares of another. I'm learning to sacrifice my pride and insecurities, so I can be a loyal, confident partner--even without the security of a ring on my finger.
I am grateful for the difficult and often stressful experiences dating has brought me. I have often suffered silently with dating, thinking what I was experiencing is unnatural or rare. That I am somehow doing this whole dating thing wrong. Perhaps, I am. Or perhaps, I'm not alone. Perhaps there are others, like me, who do fight for relationships during the time the textbooks deem as the easy infatuation stage. Or that struggle to go on consecutive dates with the same person. So what? People are different and so are dating experiences.
Although I am far from a dating expert (remember I told you how bad I am?), I do know life is to be enjoyed. So stay in the relationship or leave, but do so with the mindset that you are growing and becoming the person you want to be. Hearts heal. People change. And you will make the choices you do with the best knowledge you have. Don't be scared. But most importantly don't be scared to struggle. Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's not worth it!
**Cheers to those who make it look easy (and may in fact be easy for them) and to those like me, who make it look like just what it is, sucky:)
Now you will better understand my answer, when I say dating, oh it's just sucky!
love, love, love this^^ nothing that a good tape job can't fix.
